


The Heart of the Crown

by theheadlessqueen



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Closeted Character, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Odin (Marvel)'s A+ Parenting, Panic Attacks, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Trans Thor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-03-01 14:08:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13296504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theheadlessqueen/pseuds/theheadlessqueen
Summary: Thor doesn’t process feelings until the last possible moment, but usually those moments erupt in 3am sessions of crying and panic attacks.In which Thor is a closeted trans girl and has very dysphoric episode, right before her coronation in Thor (2011).





	The Heart of the Crown

**Author's Note:**

> [A/N: Yet another companion piece to my other fics that establishes Thor as a closeted trans woman. I am 100% using fictional characters to work through my own gender dysphoria, respect my process.]

_"My crown is in my heart, not in my head, Nor decked with diamonds and Indian stones, Nor to be seen; my crown is called contentment; A crown it is, that seldom kings enjoy"_

 

It happens like this.

Waking up, restless from nightmares and a nauseous feeling of doubt and emptiness.

Yet another night, and another passing moment of regret and contrition.

Thor tries desperately not to think about it. Thor can’t think about how much time is being lost, how she’s living someone else’s life--except that it isn’t someone else’s life. It’s hers.

She didn’t mind at first. She really didn't.

Having the expectations of being king and protector was not difficult, at first. She was elated at the fact that she could help and fight to protect her kingdom and people. She tries not to think of the label itself, nor the duties and the burden that her father has set before her for her entire life. She couldn’t mess this up. She just couldn’t. The consequences of not taking the throne would be unimaginable. Odin has made it perfectly clear that the family, and Asgard itself, would consider Thor unrecognizable and shameful if anything was to be “amiss”.

_You will not disappoint me, Thor. Not like your….sibling._

Almost everything that Odin said which wasn’t a command was a threat. There is no doubt in Thor’s mind that her father knew that she was secretly….unfit to be “king”. The only thing worse than a dead son was…

Her existence was not **possible**. At least...not until death fell onto her father.

But Thor could never wish that upon a person! The few characteristics that defined Thor were her kindliness, her protective nature, and her bright spirit. She couldn’t bare the thought of wishing ill upon a person, much less her own flesh and blood.

Tomorrow was the day she was to be King in Asgard, and she was about ready to claw her face off.

 

_Make sure you put on a good show tomorrow, Thor. The world is ready to meet their King. Don’t disappoint me._

 

Thor’s father’s voice echoed through her mind, and she tried to convince herself that she _did_ want this. That she was ready.

It’s the late nights like these, (or more aptly) early mornings, that always bring these regrets. She tries so hard to Not. Think. About. This.

But her own body betrays her, making her look more foreign to herself day by day. It makes her sick.

Always nearing dawn, and in the quiet of her own chambers, Thor takes the beautiful clips stolen from her mother’s room and pins her hair up. She takes her beloved red cape and drapes it over herself, almost like a dress. Red looks good on her.

For a moment, a brief and fleeting one, she can almost see the person reflected in the mirror as the one that seeks to be seen. But only for a moment. Her breath catches in her throat, and begins to sob openly but quietly.

Hours later, she hears marching in the halls. Morning is approaching and she has to be ready soon. Today will be the first day of the rest of her life, and she most likely will not be sober for it.

While all the rest of Asgard will see a King-to-Be, Thor will be thinking about a life not lived.

 

No one can ever know about this.

**Author's Note:**

> Anyway I'm crying in the club.
> 
> Does anyone remember songfics? "Getting Older Quicker" by Among Savages and "Burning Pile" by Mother Mother were listened to in the making of this fanfic.  
> I have an entire playlist dedicated to trans girl Thor btw!
> 
> hmu on my blog (transgirlthor.tumblr.com) if you want more details about my headcanons, my #hot takes on marvel related stuff, or that playlist link


End file.
